Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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