the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
