My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize