maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
