He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
