I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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