So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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