you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
