Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
