I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
