how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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