I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
