So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
