He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
