I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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