You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
