I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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