Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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