my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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