no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
