How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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