Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
