Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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