You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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