Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sarcasm needs its own font
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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