Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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