I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
