May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
