i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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