I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
