He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
