she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
