Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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