he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
