I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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