I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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