then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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