no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just cropdusted the office
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
