my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
