I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
