Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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