I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
