saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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