I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize