Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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