I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
