Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
