i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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