Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
