My nipple is on Facebook.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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