yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
