she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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