before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
