you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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