I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
