I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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