Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
