i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
