if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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