we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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