So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
