dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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