fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This is the high leading the old right now
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
