I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She's not a foreskin expert like you
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
His nipple licking is glorious
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