hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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