My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
