Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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