where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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